It has been a while since I wrote anything. Not because I have dropped off the face of the earth. I am just learning how to live the new life that God has for me.
I still love my farm home, my gardens and my animals. But it is much more work than it was before.
I have been doing pretty good, and moving forward. I know that Steve is in Heaven, and that I have to learn to live life without him. I am learning to live life alone, which is something that I have never done before. I have been going to church, meeting new friends, and learning to laugh and play again in a different way. My healing is coming because I have learned to share the abundance of my life with others, and there are so many people out there that are hurting worse than I am.
But something happened to me last Monday that shook me to the core. I shared it with a girlfriend, and she suggested that I write about it in my blog. She knows that writing is indeed therapy for me, and that I keep a private journal. She told me that this experience may help someone else. So here goes.
Monday, I had a doctor’s appt. It was a new doctor, and his office is located in the parking lot at Banner Gateway Hospital. That is the hospital that Steve spent 11 horrible days-only to come home and die 2 days later.
It did not bother me when I arrived at the doctor’s office. I was anxious to meet him and schedule a routine screening procedure with his office staff.
On my way back to work, I cut through the hospital parking lot. That is when it happened. It all came back so fresh in my mind. You see, I would go visit Steve at that hospital in the morning before work, come back at lunch time to spend a few minutes with him, and then visit him again at night. We were told that he had 6 months, and that this was just to get over an acute case of pneumonia. Besides his kids were in town; so they were there with him during the day.
My thought was that I would continue to work until later in the illness when he would need me full time. Had I known that he only had a few days, I would have never left his side.
But as I cut through that parking lot, I was filled with something that I have never experienced. There was guilt, for the very first time for leaving him there. I had to pull over and park my car, because the crying, the screaming, and the praying were just too over whelming.
I told God that I knew that this would come at some point, and that I wanted to experience the pain so that I could heal properly. I must say that I was surprised by the force of it though, and the cloud that followed me around for the next few days.
I have lots of girlfriends, but only a few that I could share this experience with. So I have been talking to them this week.
I feel better today. I spent time working with some friends on my farm property today. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. But most of all, I reach for Joy (Jesus)everyday.
I have decided to tell the story here about Steve’s experience, and then my experience for the last 6 months. You may or may not want to read the posts that follow. After all, you started following me for my homesteading ideas; not for this particular story. That is ok, this is really just for me anyway, and for anyone that may be encouraged by knowing that others go through it too.
Then I will get back to blogging about how I find my joy in Sharing My Life’s Abundance.