Life Without Steve

It has been a while since I wrote anything. Not because I have dropped off the face of the earth. I am just learning how to live the new life that God has for me.

I still love my farm home, my gardens and my animals. But it is much more work than it was before.

I have been doing pretty good, and moving forward. I know that Steve is in Heaven, and that I have to learn to live life without him. I am learning to live life alone, which is something that I have never done before. I have been going to church, meeting new friends, and learning to laugh and play again in a different way. My healing is coming because I have learned to share the abundance of my life with others, and there are so many people out there that are hurting worse than I am.

But something happened to me last Monday that shook me to the core. I shared it with a girlfriend, and she suggested that I write about it in my blog. She knows that writing is indeed therapy for me, and that I keep a private journal. She told me that this experience may help someone else. So here goes.

Monday, I had a doctor’s appt. It was a new doctor, and his office is located in the parking lot at Banner Gateway Hospital. That is the hospital that Steve spent 11 horrible days-only to come home and die 2 days later.

It did not bother me when I arrived at the doctor’s office. I was anxious to meet him and schedule a routine screening procedure with his office staff.

On my way back to work, I cut through the hospital parking lot. That is when it happened. It all came back so fresh in my mind. You see, I would go visit Steve at that hospital in the morning before work, come back at lunch time to spend a few minutes with him, and then visit him again at night. We were told that he had 6 months, and that this was just to get over an acute case of pneumonia. Besides his kids were in town;  so they were there with him during the day.

My thought was that I would continue to work until later in the illness when he would need me full time. Had I known that he only had a few days, I would have never left his side.

But as I cut through that parking lot, I was filled with something that I have never experienced. There was guilt, for the very first time for leaving him there. I had to pull over and park my car, because the crying, the screaming, and the praying were just too over whelming.

I told God that I knew that this would come at some point, and that I wanted to experience the pain so that I could heal properly. I must say that I was surprised by the force of it though, and the cloud that followed me around for the next few days.

I have lots of girlfriends, but only a few that I could share this experience with. So I have been talking to them this week.

I feel better today. I spent time working with some friends on my farm property today. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. But most of all, I reach for Joy (Jesus)everyday.

I have decided to tell the story here about Steve’s experience, and then my experience for the last 6 months. You may or may not want to read the posts that follow. After all, you started following me for my homesteading ideas; not for this particular story. That is ok, this is really just for me anyway, and for anyone that may be encouraged by knowing that others go through it too.

Then I will get back to blogging about how I find my joy in Sharing My Life’s Abundance.    

 

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About sharinglifesabundance

I am a backyard food producer. I grow 800 square feet of organic vegetables in the desert year round.
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14 Responses to Life Without Steve

  1. CastIronDan says:

    Good to have you back blogging Donna. I’ll be reading… we are going through some tough times with my father here.

  2. Grace comes in many forms…one of them is “peace beyond understanding,” but it takes time. Sometimes.

  3. Joseph Mammino says:

    Thank you for sharing Donna. I was wondering how you were coping with the farm and job. I went through a period of depression after my wife of 49 years died of Breast cancer. In my case going dancing and meeting new people, like you, Steve and Trish helped. You will meet someone down the road with whom you can share your life together. I don’t know how or when but it will happen. Please continue writing. Joe

    Sent from my iPad

    >

  4. Jessica Rea says:

    Been thinking about you. Another challenge followed by some great courage and as always surrounded by love. Blessed that you shared. Thank you.

  5. Sorry for your loss. Good to have you back and I can’t wait to read all that you decide to share with us.

  6. Tiffany Davis says:

    I’m so proud to call you my friend. Watching you lean on the Lord during this time is very inspiring for me. Love you!

  7. Krystal L Frank says:

    I lost my husband of 32 years unexpectedly 4 1/2 months ago. I regret not staying close to the hospital after his surgery, but he was doing SO WELL that I felt secure in going home for the night. God is with me and helps me through; even though I cry and scream, I know he loves me.

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